Silent Scream: I cannot stop silencing myself

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

I am still here, did you notice my absence? I sure did. Felt it in every part of my gut. —-Still recovering.

“If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all.”

I have not grown completely mute, just incredibly aware and overwhelmed with logic. My processing times are much longer these days, though my responses are ones I still wish I could edit. [barf bag please] My personal goal is to be all-loving, open-minded and encouraging. Though, this makes me too careful with my speech. However, when I am completely appalled by something, my mouth speaks before I think and it is pretty ugly. Whoops.

My writing account on Instagram (@Silent_Screams_Heard) sat for most of the year. I cannot tell you how many posts I sent out and quickly reeled all the way back in. I archived some and deleted most. All because I was too concerned with the message I was putting out and did not want anything to be taken the wrong way. But, who am I to control how someone is going to perceive me or my work? Really, who am I to do that? Also, who am I? Do I even know anymore? Woah.

3 Notes to Self for the New Year

1. Stop apologizing so much.

I am sorry that I am sorry, all. the. time. I am that person who apologizes for being in your way at the store, as if my presence is keeping you from going on about your day and I am hindering your plans by taking up time. You bet I am that person who makes small talk with the cashier but is also scrambling to get all of my stuff cleared so the person behind me can check-out and be on their way. [ugh, exhausting] Why do I do this to myself?

A friend suggested that I should instead switch things around and say, “Thank you,” instead. For example, “Thank you for taking the time to help me today.” Instead of something I would usually say, “Sorry for taking you away from your family today.” This might sound absolutely silly to you, but imagine the difference it makes! Try it, I dare you. Replace guilt with gratitude. Not to say we were not thankful in the first place, but this time we are putting a more positive spin on it. Make sense?

2. Trust your process.

The best thing I could have done for myself was to love and accept myself like I love and respect others. Isn’t that a shame? Ever talk yourself down to someone in the first ten minutes of meeting them and things get really uncomfortable? Suddenly, you are receiving sympathy and words of advice, then it becomes time to talk your way out of this horrible hole you dug yourself in. [mortifying]

I knew I was doing this, but there I was, telling my story like it was an elevator speech that read: I HAVE HAD A DIFFICULT TIME, BUT I AM STILL PRETTY GREAT, REALLY I AM. Does not sound so intriguing does it?

What a humiliating realization this was. It was not until I fully accepted that my age, my marriage status, my career status and lifestyle choices were parts of me that made me, ME! [insert cave echo here] It was when I took a bat to the annoying record player that always played the same song, you know, the one that talks about —-what I should be doing, wearing, driving or where I should be living by now, or whatever. Trash the timelines that do not have your name written on them, and instead work with what you have. Sounds elementary, but your attitude is everything. Love yourself. Trust me, we all need to.

3. Weigh your values upon your own scale.

Stop chasing someone else’s dream. Seriously, it is not worth it. There is not one way to go and one size does NOT fit all. We all know this, don’t we? But, do we choose to really believe it? Have we internalized the advice we give to others or are the printed sayings framed on our walls just for show? Ouch.

Think about your circle of friends, reflect upon the different lenses/perspectives of life through their eyes. Reflect upon the way you do things and how differently you have seen them done by others. You know, those “things” you only speak of in confidence with your spouse or with your best friends. This is us passing judgement, with our own personal views of “better living” or “the correct approach.” Though, who are we to judge someone else’s capabilities, intentions or potential?

Again, who are THEY to judge our capabilities, intentions and potential?! Simply, as the saying goes, “You do you.”

There is a saying I live by, “What others think about you, is not your business.” I do not know who said it, but I think it is important to keep in mind. People respond with their own understanding, knowledge, personal experiences and current emotions. That is way too much noise to decipher with all that is you, at the moment. Define success, happiness and wellness for yourself, then redefine them if necessary. All is well, as long as YOU are solely the one doing so.

Speak up and be kind to yourself.

Happy New Years! It is just another day, though another chance to do things differently. Do not tackle this year with one word in mind, or do…. You do you!

Love, Ashley

 

Silent Scream: I cannot wait to rip off my wedding rings

by ashleywlane, posted in encouragement, Marriage, mental health, Self Expression, Self-Help, weight gain

These rings have been stuck upon my finger for a very long time and are a constant reminder of my struggles.

–

I sit around and think about how amazing it would be to hand them back to the jeweler.

–

Every single time I look down at my finger and see my rings on there, it drives me insane.

I absolutely cannot wait to rip off my wedding rings, so I can FINALLY take them in to get properly cleaned! I have tried to use baking soda with lemon, window cleaner, brushing it with an old toothbrush under hot running water, everything. Also, even when I can get it to look decent, there is no hiding the fatty skin that surrounds my ring. It acts as though it is some form of bustier for my overweight finger.

No, I am not fat shaming myself or anyone else. No, I am not saying that beauty comes in one size. Though, I will not beat around the bush and pretend that I am happy with what I see in my reflection or trust myself to be able to run for ten minutes straight through an airport with my broken suitcase in hand because my friends and I are running late and our names are being called over the intercom. Also, that I would not feel like I am about to pass out and die once I finally make it to my seat and apologize to a stranger for smelling like a sausage left out in the sun to roast, again. Yes, this indeed happened and I surely will never forget it.

This past summer I lost a total of 20 pounds and have kept it off since. I then went on a trip to Florida with my friends to celebrate a fun bachelorette weekend for our dear friend Lilian, where I was the one who was kindly but strongly urged to sit in front with Every. Single. Uber driver. Though, according to my best friend, I “handled it well.” I took it with a grain of salt because this was just my reality at the time and I got to sit comfortably near the air-vents, hey girl heyyyy! 

Once, a woman from church just assumed that I did not like vegetables and told my husband that he should convince me to try them because I “got bigger, but [I] still look okay, [I am] still pretty.” Well, at least I am still pretty right? Vegetables? What in the world are those things? (eye-roll + side laughing/crying emoji here)

Side-note: Trust me, I am laughing about this. I am in my season of acceptance. I am able to speak about these things because I am ready to tackle them, please understand that. Perhaps you are fighting this battle alongside me and need others to understand that you are not whining or asking for sympathy. Also, get this, WE ARE ALSO NOT LAZY! (insert grizzly bear growl here)

Can we be real for a moment?

Even though we say things do not bother us, they do. When we say that looks do not matter, we pretty much still think they do. Also, usually when we try and convince ourselves that something is not a problem, it is. — That is why we are discussing it in the first place!

Sympathy really is not what most people are in search for in my opinion, just a genuine understanding and some loving concern, without the added condescending advice.

This is my season towards wellness, and this is my pig-in-a-blanket, ring finger. I have my very own reasons for being where I am today. It has all been said and done, and this is me moving forward.

It is now all about the growth mindset, and everything opposite of learned helplessness.

  • Even if you are not ready to speak, write down your thoughts and reflect upon them.
  • Even if you do not step outside, I hope you at least open your blinds.
  • Even if you do not leave your couch, I hope you at least think about what you will do tomorrow.
  • Even if you do not leave your home, I hope you shower or bathe yourself and enjoy a hot meal.

Stay curious, keep reaching and seek out your next move. This was my way of giving you some honest encouragement, do with it as you wish. Just as long as you keep wishing!

I will keep you all posted on my weight loss journey, and I hope you will be there to celebrate with me when I am finally able to take my rings off and get them sparkly clean!

Please share your stories with me, I would love to hear them. Let’s find acceptance and share some laughs!

Love always, Ashley.

Silent Scream: “My anxiety is winning.”

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Hello everyone!

This week has been a whirlwind of self-reflection, more than usual. I am very aware of myself, to the point of where I am constantly apologizing for myself and rushing myself along as if I am taking up space. [It is insane.]

There are moments when I wish I could just interact with people and things without investing myself entirely in them. Meaning, if someone would tell me that they are struggling with something, I could offer some advice and support without constantly feeling the need to intercede and check up on them. Meaning, that I would not over obsess about making sure things are getting done correctly so that all involved will be happy.

I cannot control everything, I know this, but my anxiety does not listen or rest.

5 things I did this week to ease my mind:

  1. Water Aerobics– I made the conscious effort of getting myself outside and moving. I was welcomed by the refreshing feeling of my pool’s belly as I floated weightlessly. There were birds flying by and planes making their way across. Children were laughing in the distance and the leaves upon the tree branches were waving delicately. I had one of those —- why don’t I always do this, moments.
  2. Drink More Water– My husband gifted me a Soji Energy water bottle. This specific one has a citrine quartz crystal in it. It is supposed to promote abundance and mindfulness. I am still learning and deciding if I truly believe in the power of crystal infused water, however, it represents a step towards wellness and that is enough for me! Staying hydrated really calmed down the self-inflicted headaches I give myself.
  3. Find Creative Outlets– I have always written, but I made more of a point to write in my journals and not in the notes section of my phone. I rediscovered the joys of scribbling my thoughts upon paper and attempting to draw, which I am terrible at. I even dabbled with designing t-shirts on teespring.com. It kept my mind busy and helped me relieve some tension.
  4. Make Fun Plans- I tend to push leisurely gatherings aside for those of whom I feel need my assistance with something. It is a bittersweet habit because I am getting relief from helping others, but I am not putting myself in situations where I can be helped. Does that make sense? Do you find yourself doing this too? It is okay to have fun! Do not lose sight of this, I cannot believe that I do at times.
  5. Say Yes to Myself- I had to remember to treat myself kindly. Just recently this summer, I started getting my nails done regularly. I used to brush it off and say that it is a waste of money and that it was “materialistic.” I had to remind myself that glamorous things do not take away from what I have to offer as a person. I find that it enhances my attitude towards myself, and in return, allows me to be kinder to others.

I am a little conflicted. There is a hate/love relationship I am having with anxiety. I feel like it should not hold me back but on the other hand, I believe we must let it fuel us. We should allow it to help us continue to re-create ourselves along with it. I will continue feeling each emotion and caring for others but I will also continue revising my techniques and approaches. I will continue anticipating things going wrong, at least in the long run, it helps me stay prepared. [ win-win ]

Personally, having anxiety has taught me that I just simply care too much, and I have decided that I will not apologize for it anymore.

Anxiety has given me many sets of new eyes, but mainly good ones. Ones that help me look through fake masks and public images. Ones that allow me opportunities to see and help those who are too afraid to ask. It may cause me to become obsessed and overly involved, but I would not want it any other way! Sure, there are still many kinks I will need to work out but the bottom line is that I must not leave myself behind. As long as anxiety is winning, I must win with it.

Find what fuels you today. I hope you enjoyed hearing about my journey with anxiety and I wish you all the best in whatever you are living with today. Do not leave yourself behind!

Love, Ashley.

Curious about Teespring.com?

  • Teespring allows people to design and sell shirts, pillows, mugs and other items without any upfront costs. Here are some examples of my designs, I feel like writers need more cute choices, perhaps you could be the person to design some for us?

 

Silent Scream: It is okay to be a little “extra” about things. Treat yourself!

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Hello all, I hope you enjoyed your week!

Here’s a question: Does it matter what a cup looks like as long as the contents inside it are safe, tasty and satisfying?

  • Perhaps you said yes because you are questioning its size or cleanliness, or maybe you are worried the cup may have an undesired image printed on it.
  • Or perhaps, you said no. Simply because you are thirsty and it will not kill you.

Why am I questioning you, or maybe even making you thirsty?

Well, I wanted to remind you that being a little “extra” is not always a bad thing. To demonstrate my point, I will show you what my sister and I did to surprise my parents with a little home makeover. (Scroll down to see the results if you wanna skip ahead.) I am not here to toot my own horn, my point is to remind you what a little extra tender love and care can do. My sweet parents came here from Laos where they grew up poor and lived very practically. If there was anything thrown out by anyone else but still functional, you better bet it found its way into our home! My childhood home was not decorated like the homes of my friends, and my birthday parties were not the most aesthetically pleasing, but I still technically had everything I ever needed. (Thank you Mom and Dad)

Why be extra?

Here’s some more self-reflection:

Think about the last party you attended. Did the cups match? How about the decor, was there a noticeable theme?

Let’s go even further and think about less scheduled settings, like your own set of cups you use to serve your guests. Do you serve nice drinks to your guests in reusable yellow Dickey’s BBQ plastic cups, or maybe one from Fuzzy’s Tacos? Oh I sure do hope not. If so, I hope they are the people you consider family.

Why should this matter? What difference does it make? Let’s go beyond cups and think about greater things like our homes, our physical bodies and the way we treat ourselves and others.

Here are 5 reasons why I believe the extra effort matters:

  1. It keeps life interesting and sets the mood. Redundant things feel more important.
  2. Life suddenly feels a little less chaotic and things seem put together.
  3. It creates an environment that is more exciting and inviting.
  4. It makes me feel more confident and inspires me to be more daring.
  5. Because, why the heck not?!

Had enough self-reflection and ready to see the difference some effort makes after something sits untouched for 10+ years?

Below, you will find the results of the home makeover my sister, my husband and I gave my parents. I am not saying my Mom and Dad are slobs or careless beings, they are simply two hard-working people who gave their children the world and simply did the least for themselves. You will see the green paint, I once purposely choose for our living room way back when I was still living there during my middle school days. [ Remember when tan walls were the thing? ] You will see how years and years of useless items pile up. But what you may not see is how much better my parents feel about themselves when they return home from a tiring day at work and how confident they are about inviting their friends over now.

Before:

This setting has been this way for the longest time. The wall decor was dusty and there were dead bugs upon the windowsill.
The TV console was purchased by my sister years ago and the side table came from my old apartment and what sits on it is as questionable and the tacky wall portraits that hang on the wall.
Take notice of this dark paint color my Dad chose on his own and how he painted the whole wall ignoring the textured wall divider. These things do not occur to those who just need walls to function as they should. Also, the shelving units filled with years and years of old junk.
This is me with the first brush stroke, ready to give my deserving parents something nice to call their own.
It was time to move this old computer unit out of the dining room! Bye!

After:

The walls are now bare looking but I am happy about the colors I chose to give interest to this wall.
Ignore the different flooring here but perhaps this corner space makes more sense. We found this shelving unit at Walmart, along with the black metal one to the right.
A mounted TV is a luxury to my Father. It seems so simple but it makes such a big difference. Literally every television on my own home is mounted. It is not even a second thought. You see how being a little extra can be a huge deal?!
It was so nice to go through old photos with my parents to fill these photo frames I bought from Michaels.
Still in need of new wall decor, but a great start. Yes, I know the rug is quite small and ill fitting. HAHA!

This is how we spent our past weekend. Of course, my parents would not have allowed us to do this if they had known. This is the result of months of planning and piling things up secretly at my house. We also bought new things for other parts of their home but these are the main rooms that were transformed the most.

Where did we do our shopping?

Lowes, Ross, Michaels, Home Goods, Tuesday Morning, Kirklands, Target and Walmart.

Why the obnoxious demonstration?

BECAUSE WE DESERVE TO TREAT OURSELVES!

  • Go ahead and organize that little pile of paper that sits upon your workspace.
  • Align your shoes.
  • Leave funny post-its for your friends at work or at home.
  • Open the blinds and windows and let the light shine in.
  • Go for a walk down that one path you always thought about trying.
  • Go buy yourself some fresh pairs of matching socks.
  • Get a hair-cut.
  • Get your nails done.
  • Take a long hot bath.
  • Purchase a new couch pillow.
  • Get some new clothes.
  • Purchase a new gadget.
  • Shamelessly eat a pint of ice-cream.
  • Try a new restaurant, or try something different on the menu.
  • Try a new hairstyle.
  • Remodel your own home, start with a little tiny space at a time.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Allow a few more silly things to matter, it is okay and it is more important than we choose for it to be! It is wonderful that you love others, but do not dare leave yourself behind.

Love always,

Ashley.

Silent Scream: “Oh great, I have gained too much weight.”

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Have you heard of the Ketogenic Diet? Well, it is a way of eating that I have come to know very well. It has helped me lose a total of 16 pounds so far this summer! I may, or may not have gained a few back… but let’s just stay on the bright side here.

It was not until I got a horrible ear infection that I went to see a doctor, just for him to nicely point the conversation in the direction of…. my weight at the time. [ Dun, dun, chicken-fried thunder thighs ] Suddenly, I was being spoken to like someone who was no longer human or a person who has never been healthy. Ugh, my ear ache was not the only thing making me nauseous. I died inside.

But, it was the kick in the butt that I needed.

Life happened. Food happened. Lack of motivation and lack of time took its evil toll on me. Then, a friend at church was getting noticeably thinner and I HAD to know what he was doing. He mentioned this diet and how it was “high in fat,” and I thought to myself— this guy is crazy, is he kidding me? Once I got home, I began my research and decided that I was going to give this a shot, and long nights of reading articles and watching YouTube videos were born.

I could sit here and break down this diet and define it for you but I have decided not to. Because I believe that we are all built differently and are on different paths in our lives. What works for me, might not work for you. What I think is attractive might not ruffle your feathers. You may already know about this diet and do not agree with it. That is totally understandable and if you strongly believe it is not the way to go, please let me know why. Regardless, I wish you the best on your journey, whatever situation you are in.

Here are some struggles (silent screams) that taunt me. Maybe you agree with some of these or know someone who might currently be haunted by these.

Top 5 annoyances (loud whispers) that came with my weight gain:

  1. The fitting room became my enemy.
  2. I thought cardigans were my best friend, even when it was super hot outside.
  3. I no longer could find a comfortable bra. Ironically, I found sports bras fit the best.
  4. People treated me differently.
  5. I started to doubt myself more often.

Reasons why these 5 things no longer bring me down:

  1. (The fitting room became my enemy.) So what the clothes do not fit, “like they used to!” Let’s go find some that do. I am still beautiful, worthy and capable of looking fabulous. It is not my fault that these clothes were not made for my body type. I am a work in progress, and I should respect myself enough to accept the skin I am in. Confidence is welcomed and admired, listening to someone constantly talk about why they are ugly, is just a bummer. (Apologies to everyone who had to listen to me ramble on and on.)
  2. (I thought cardigans were my best friend, even when it was super hot outside.) How silly of me, really. I was making myself suffer because I was letting the world tell me that my arms were too flabby and unworthy of fresh air. Sweaty armpits do not feel or smell good, stop doing that to yourself!
  3. (I no longer could find a comfortable bra. Ironically, I found sports bras fit the best.) Hey, at least you are not being poked by a painful underwire and are ready for a workout at any moment. Do not sweat it, or do. Are other women like you or heavier set, just letting things hang out? Go ask them where they shop, they are thinking and feeling human beings just like you. Stop shaming yourself. **Really though, I am looking for bras, help a sister out.
  4. (People treat me differently.) Okay listen, everyone is fighting a battle within themselves. Sometimes they may use you to build themselves up but do not take it personally. We all have an idea of who or what we want to be like. Do you want to be a judgemental or a close-minded person? No? Then do not return the hate, or allow yourself to receive it! Treat yourself, and walk away with a clear conscience. [ insert hair flip here ]
  5. (I started to doubt myself more often.) At the end of the day, a happy person is more desirable to be around. Do not rob yourself or others of experiences because you feel less than. The people in your life love you and want to enjoy their time with you, not the you that is ashamed of yourself. So start going to bed feeling grateful for living your life, not wishing that you had chosen to do so.

My hopes are that these silent screams will be heard and openly discussed. I know that I kept these thoughts to myself and it only allowed me to add more negative thoughts to the pile until I stopped trying to love myself. Also, I was ashamed that I did not ever consider these things until I got into this situation. It stung a little when I thought about how rude or insensitively hurtful I had been towards others in the past. Well, never again. [Shame on me that I did not see it sooner.]

Tonight, I want to leave you with a recipe I have put together. It is Keto-friendly and also gluten-free. Trust me, it is NOT one of those things that just looks good and tastes disgusting in real life. Try it, or share it with someone who might enjoy it. Whether you choose to or not, I just want to encourage you to be kind to yourself and love the skin you are in today.

Berry-licious Pie with a Coconut flour Crust

IMG_3190 2IMG_3194.jpg

Filling
2 lbs strawberries, blueberries
1/2 cup erithrytol sweetener (I used this one, Erythritol Granules by Anthony’s)

3 oz sugar-free strawberry jello mix
1 cup water
Crust
1/2 cup butter (I used unsalted Kerrygold butter)
2 eggs
1/4 cup erithrytol sweetener
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup coconut flour (sifted)
Procedure
1. Combine crust ingredients, roll into a ball and flatten it upon the pan. Bake at 350 for 12 mins. Set aside to cool.
2. Bring the water and erithrytol sweetener to a boil in a pot, turn off the heat then pour in the jello mix and stir until it all comes together.
3. Slice the strawberries however you like and place them on the crust, along with the blueberries. Pour the mixture over the berries within the crust, cover it and put it in the fridge to set for 4 hours. Enjoy! Add whipped cream and/or ice-cream if you wish!

Hope I brought some relevant screams to life, if you have any thoughts to share, please continue the conversation! Thank you for reading.

Love, Ashley.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally my first post, it only took me 3 years.

by ashleywlane, posted in Self Expression, Self-Help

Whoever is listening, thank you!

I have finally conjured up the courage to launch this blog and get it running. Silent Screams, Heard has always been an idea I have kept locked up in a filing cabinet with all my other thoughts. To be super honest, I am still searching for a clear direction and plan to create this space into exactly what I want it to be. [ But, hello Ashley, these things do not just appear and grow within thin air. ] So here I am. And yay for me, here you are! Thank you.

This first silent scream derives from, da da da-da, my INSECURITY.

There, I said it. Okay, now that you have read it, there is no turning back now.

This scares me, putting myself “out there” still makes me want to vomit. My guts are in a knot and I want to close the screen to my Mac and sip on some tea in the corner of my sectional sofa, where I always sit.

My first act of bravery was when I created an Instagram account for my writing, https://www.instagram.com/slient_screams_heard/. I do not know exactly what came over me, but I did it and it still exists today. Let me tell you a secret, I once had a full poetry book manuscript typed up and ready to go once, 10 years ago, but because I was so afraid, I deleted it. Perhaps, sharing words and poetry on a platform designed for gorgeous photographs just made more sense, (insert sarcastic chuckle here) it did to me somehow anyway. Also, I created this blog and paid for its theme, three years ago and literally let it sit.

This is a HUGE turning point here people!

My personal struggle with being an Instagram writer has to do with the friends I know in real-life who follow my account. Knowing that they are there has hindered my willingness to be fearlessly creative and daring. I have found myself playing things safe and I am now kicking myself in the bottom and challenging myself to rise above my insecurities so that I can hopefully inspire at least one person to do the same. Come on one person, whoever you are, please tell me you actually exist on the other side of this screen!

What is my point? Well, hopefully you have chuckled at me at least once while reading and asked yourself what I was waiting for. Well, my turn. What are YOU waiting for? Is there something keeping you from going after what you want? (Comment if you are feeling brave or wish to share what helped you rise above your fear.)

So for now, I leave you with a promise that I will be humanly open and honest with you as I work to battle my insecurities, for all to see. I plan to post once a week, every Friday night. (Keep me accountable, if no one is reading, then I pray this blog does not sit for another 3 years.)

Screenshot_2018-07-09 Poetry + Screams Ashley Lane on Instagram “I learned what “intranet” meant today Like many of you, my[...]

Please feel free to email me at WhereScreamsareHeard@gmail.com if you wish to discuss anything that is nagging at you privately, or comment on this post with topics or issues you would like to be discussed!

Love, Ashley.